When you’re faced with a cancer diagnosis, your whole world is turned upside down. 

So what steps can you take to start to regain a sense of normalcy?

The Peak sat down with therapists Brittany Pinto, LMSW, and Kimberlin Shepard, LMWS of Boutique Psychotherapy, a psychotherapy practice in New York and New Jersey that is partnered with Mount Sinai’s Woman to Woman program. 

Shepard and Pinto explored what intimacy really means, dive into some of the challenges that people impacted by cancer face, and share why reconnecting with your emotions is key to feeling your best, inside and out. 

This interview has been edited for clarity and length. 

THE PEAK (TP): How do you define intimacy?

Brittany Pinto (BP): Intimacy is a very multifaceted concept. On a very general level, it means closeness and connectedness with not only yourself, but with others, and others meaning platonic relationships, romantic relationships—the way that you interact with the world. 

It can mean anything from emotional intimacy, so being in touch with your emotions, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy, or experiential or physical intimacy. Those are what we like to group as non-sexual intimacy.

And then, of course, there’s sexual intimacy, which is sex, intercourse, foreplay.

TP: Why is it important to think about intimacy beyond sexual intimacy?

Kimberlin Shepard (KS): A big thing that we focus on in our work with our clients is the idea that all of these different types of intimacy—emotional, intellectual, communication, conflict—impact your sexual intimacy. 

As most of us know, without an emotional connection, having a sexual connection can be really challenging. Making sure that you feel in tune at all of those different levels can really impact your sexual functioning and your sexual desire, with yourself and with a partner.

TP: How can a therapist help someone reconnect with their sexuality and intimacy?

BP: Going through anything, especially something like cancer, can be emotionally taxing. It can feel lonely and it’s important that you not only lean on friends and family and your intuition and emotions, but also have an outlet to talk to an unbiased person. 

KS: Someone who has been impacted by cancer could potentially seek out a sex therapist. 

After ruling out any medical concerns, a sex therapist can help you re-establish intimacy and pleasure. If you’re experiencing any kind of pain, discomfort, or any kind of sexual dysfunction, a sex therapist can also be really helpful in re-establishing that mind-body connection to get back to a place of enjoying sex both with yourself and with a partner.

TP: What does it mean when a clinician is medically informed? How can that be helpful for someone impacted by cancer?

BP: At Boutique Psychotherapy, all our clinicians are medically informed, so we’re familiar with medical jargon, diagnoses, and treatment. 

There’s no playbook, there’s no script for a cancer diagnosis, and it’s not a one-size-fits-all approach. With help from a care team, we can guide you in the right direction of what might not feel normal and what is normal. 

With any sort of medical illness, including cancer, there are a lot of what-ifs, there are a lot of questions, and there are a lot of anxieties. Being able to get concrete answers and advice … is really important and why it’s helpful to seek a medically-informed clinician.

TP: What common concerns do you see in your patients impacted by cancer?

KS: We see a lot of work around loving yourself, loving your new body, and getting comfortable with the change that has occurred, both on a mental and a physical level. 

Something that is really impactful is focusing on your language—how you talk to yourself—and not pushing down negative feelings.

It’s okay to experience negative emotions and have those kinds of responses to change, but also know how impactful our language is. Positive self-talk and relearning to love the body that you have, that has gone through so much and has gotten you here is important, while not ignoring everything that you’ve been through. 

Both of those feelings can exist at the same time. You can have negative thoughts while also being grateful to be here and for everything your body has been through.

TP: What tips do you have for someone navigating difficult emotions?

BP: Get in touch with your feelings and your emotions [on your own]. Yes, it’s great to be able to process [those] with someone you are comfortable and vulnerable with, but also doing it on your own, waking up in the morning and setting time aside to meditate and get in touch with your body, [to establish that] mind-body connection, is so important. 

Journaling or writing down what comes to mind somewhere that no one else is looking at, really just for you, [can be helpful]. 

KS: Give yourself grace and know that, like any life experience or any change that occurs, it takes time. It takes patience. It’s not going to happen overnight. Don’t beat yourself up for negative thoughts that you have. 

You’ve never been through this experience before. You can do it and you have done so much, but be patient and do not dismiss those negative feelings because by pushing those down, they’re only going to come back later. Work through them with the support of a therapist or network of friends, family, whoever it is, but talk about it and lean into those feelings.